Friday, 21 October 2016

finding me :

The journey of self-discovery.
Life is as muddled as it always has been and I was alittle very tired. It was then I started to question my self-existence. I once got on this taxi where the driver kept preaching about Christianity, and somewhat questioned me about “What is the reason we are down here on earth?” “We have a life mission to complete and hence we are here to fulfil it for whoever and whatever”. I was mildly irritated. I am not a believer of the gods. Why do you have to force those questions upon me when you can think about it yourself was my thoughts at that point of time. I wasn’t interested. Thinking back now, writing this post, it was an important question where everyone should ask themselves.

“What is the purpose of my existence in this living period?”
Ignorance towards my true self is something I lived with for a long time.
Yet again, what is True Self supposed to be? You may ask. It means, “finding your purpose in life, digging deep into your childhood, growing days, revealing the experiences that shaped you over time. Good or bad. It means realizing what your beliefs are and living by it” is my definition.

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. 

Another day, another class missed, another alarm turned off. The lack of motivation to move, half asleep, unanswered questions glidingly in and out of my mind. This was most of my morning for my whole life I had remembered. I was never motivated by the promising things of schools, but it had always been set in my head that a degree was my goal and my path to eternal elusive happiness. That was my “belief” and perhaps my parents’ as well, that I would become something successful and wake up every day saying “THIS ARE THE DAYS I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR MY WHOLE LIFE” but that morning epiphany never came.

One of my other mottos in life that I constantly abuse was “You can sleep when you die;” I never shield myself from any sort of shit because I was too “up” for it. No matter how tired or scared I got, I was able to slap myself awake and do things that I never thought I was able to do. It was that exact moment approximately 4.57AM in the morning. I realized something profound – I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

I was lost. So lost in being something I wasn’t.

This hole of “lost”, was do deep and dark and cold. And really all you do is dig deeper to hopefully find some warmth in the soil you drawn out. For a moment, I felt safe, but over time, safe stopped serving me. Safety in the wilderness is confinement, imprisonment, miserable and empty.

Have you ever felt like your life was uncomfortably predictable, like YOU KNEW what was going to happen next every second of every day? The stagnancy of my life was destroying my soul internally.

it was YET on the same day I found out that I got into some deep shit. It’s like if being stuck in a well is not bad enough that you have to be thrown into the middle of an ocean. I was so alone. At that point of time. Not only the sense of my identity was taken away, but my spirit and all that was concerned. I was practically just a human with an empty shell.

I was being cyber-bullied and harassed in public. Imagine the shame walking in your uniform in school with hundreds of people staring at you in the assembly line. I eventually stopped going to school. Being questioned with things like “What do you really want?” “What can I do to help you?” “Please tell me what is wrong” by my mother was a horror story. What is worse it people around me started to blame themselves for not being responsible enough to take care of my mental state.


I was on the verge of reaching insanity, but I wasn’t crazy.

I was on the verge of killing myself, but I couldn’t.

I was on the verge of not wanting to get up anymore, but I tried.


Caught up in a maze. I was so vulnerable. What can be worse is, that all of these happened before a major exam. I couldn’t study with all the noise that is following me wherever I go. Whatever I touch seem to corrode instantly, that was how poisonous I was.

So, I became a rebel.

I was a heartbreaker. I toy with people’s feelings because that made me feel less angered by the fact that someone can live so peacefully. I was that girl, your best friend warned you about but you went ahead because I package myself in a way where I need protection. Guys love that, I knew exactly where everyone’s weakness was and used it to manipulate them because they were “unforgiving people that needs to know the taste of feeling dumb at the end”.

But I soon found my new escape. This just proves that even the darkest tunnel has its ending.
I found someone. Someone who is wiser than me, cooler than me, more mature than me that also gone through similar experiences. He said, “You build a castle to lock yourself up, if you never ever step out of your lonely rooms, you never know how great you are as a princess where people admire you.” But of course, words are so little. I thought he would be the guide for me to the new lights.

Yet again, it’s not happening. I struggled so much by myself. I started blaming on others that they couldn’t help me.

But it’s all me.



It’s just me.

Time skip for a bit.

I started about in a new school and decided that I wanted to be better and was determined. I found myself some new interest, and opened myself to some new people and accepted them into my world. It was really tough, but I made it. I walked into my stream of lights without knowing.

It was a magical moment of enlightenment. I can only put it that way.

Through those harder waves, I learn about myself a lot more and am really not embarrassed by them. For example, I LOVE EECHI. Irl too. That was something that I needed to hide before I accepted it.


The journey of self-discovery.

It’s a mixture of hardships and pretty times. you would be thankful to have grown stronger.

The journey of self-discovery,

It is a never ending roller coaster ride.

The journey of self-discovery,

You eventually will learn how to get the hang of it.

Good luck.


I wished I had more courage to write deeper.
XO, Celine.


Wednesday, 19 October 2016

BHcosmetics x Bubzbeauty Palette - First Impression

Hi everyone, so today I will be sharing my First Impressions and swatches of the “Be..” by Bubzbeauty Palette.

This is requested on my askfm, but I do not remember telling anyone else I got the palette.
DISCLAIMER: I am not anyone professional, all opinions are mine. It may or might not be true to you but I am being 100% honest on this platform.

So, this is the Be… palette.



I did order products from bhcosmetics before, it’s a pure luck bet, some of them were a miss while some were a hit.

First thing I noticed about the palette was that, IT IS SO MUCH SMALLER THAN WHAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. Deceived by those pretty pictures taken online into thinking that it would be bigger.

Second thing I noticed, the packaging be kinda cute, I was totally feeling the baby pink and pretty reflective lace details.

Third thing I noticed was, the total Net Worth is only 0.29oz, which means the pan size is at a 0.024oz x 12, comparing to Urban Decay’s Naked 3 which is a 0.05oz x 12. It has almost 2x lesser products per pan than the palette I use almost every day.

So technically, I am both turned on and off by this product already. Pardon my indecisive ass but those are true facts.

What happened next was, I completely destroyed the plastic protecting the palette and opened it. DUH?



The colours were undeniably pretty and attractive, exact to the pictures I saw online. I have been digging the fun colours recently so this palette is looking pretty cute so far.

Next up was the swatching. Honestly, I have heard quite a bit of mixed reviews on this and I was a little afraid. The colour pay off was not super pigmented like I heard from some youtubers. But it is fairly good for something that cost $15?



HONESTLY, I wasn’t too sure either because, MAYBE MY HAND DOESN’T TAKE PIGMENT AS WELL AS MY FACE?

So, I am gonna try it out before telling you guys the final thoughts.


For now, I got to say, for $15, I am digging this. BHcosmetics makes some really bombass products like the Carli Bybel Palette and ShanonXO palette. I love them both very much.

Maybe a makeup tutorial…?

Do follow my blog if you would like notifications when I update <3


XO, Celine.

Monday, 19 September 2016

death of the sinner ; rebirth of the kind

There was once in my life I convinced myself to be a certain type of person and live a certain type of way in order not to be a disappointment. Those things, obviously does not go against my morals and beliefs but it slowly suffocated me. It’s literally like someone pressing on to your neck, taking away the only source of oxygen you have from this world.

I lived to please people, to hope people view me in a certain way, to give hope to people that this world is not as bad as they thought when in the actual fact, I’m the one deceiving myself all these while.

Maybe because I am no longer what I am 2 years ago, I couldn’t help myself to continue this blog. I did up a few drafts like a said months and months ago to be posted up here but I didn’t. I left like the contents no longer stand truthful to myself. This place is where I share all my thoughts and doubts to help many people who find comfort in knowing that they are not alone. Reading back all my blogs, I’m nothing but a hypocrite. I don’t hold up to the words I used to preach about.

Many things have happened since then, I dyed my hair, I am in a different school, I hang out with different people, I changed a boyfriend since. All these things might be insignificant to you but you can’t deny that IT IS a change in my life, somewhat, and those are just the physical aspects. Emotionally I grew. You can’t expect someone to stay the same and say the same things as they did a few years back.

I have been through quite a bit, and it gave me a growth sprint as I would like to call it, where you mature quickly and have a complete different outlook in life. The way you think and speak changes because something or someone had a bad impact on you.

People who don’t see the big picture just go ahead and say things like “you’ve changed a lot, the old you is better” “you don’t seem like yourself anymore, are you okay?” and so on and forth.

Listen, the old me, the old celine, is dead.

Those that confront and said how the old me was better, why don’t you blame yourself to treasure me when I was still “the old me”? What do you think happened that made me change? Why are you so selfish to not let me develop into someone that I feel fits in more?
We are all selfish and selfless, no, we are all selfish because we are selfless. All we can think about is ourselves.

I am not a negative person, really. I am just no longer angry about things that are not worth my disparity.

I still love what I love. Fashion, games, inspiring things.

But now, all the things I say will be more on the realistic side, because the world of lies is just too tempting. Remember the story of how an apple completely demoralized human kind? It was tempt and selfishness. Eve & Adam. Maybe if you think harder like I did, this world hasn’t changed ever since. Painted with sins and sorrows.

Because you and I are all descendants of sinners.


And I am just staying sane in this flamed up world.

Celine Ng

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

June 2016 Beauty Favourites


Hi everyone!

I haven’t done favourites in awhile so I thought I would show you some of the beauty products that I have been reaching in for!

 
Carli Bybel - BH cosmetics


natural lighting

room light



The first one is the Carli Bybel palette. This is my everyday makeup palette, it has a really good mix of matte shades and shimmer shades. That freaking simmer shade though, it will blind you cause it’s so damn shiny.


The main thing is, it is only $15. Like what? For the quality and colour selection, it is really for good money.

As you can see on the picture, I use it a lot, and very frequently.






This is the mascara glue I got from Japan’s daiso, I believe you can find in Singapore’s daiso as well but I never really tried looking for it yet.

I wear lashes to shoots, when I am feeling fancy (which is pretty damn often).

Girl, this glue right here, is real. Even a hurricane won’t make your lashes fall off with this.





I use this trio when I am still having darker hair, even with lighter hair, you can also work your way around by using the lighter colour for your ends instead of the inner corners.

I think this is only about $5-7. BH cosmetics makes some really dope shit for a really cheap price.





This pencil has some long ass life, I have been using it before I dyed my hair blonde. It is a branded brow pencil so, it definitely has it’s con of high priced but if you are looking for a bomb ass eyebrow pencil, go to the Dior counter and you definitely will find something.

If you would like, my consultant is from the Tangs Plaza branch, Mary.




The last one is a fragrance that I would 10/10 re-buy. The picture is just the empty bottle I now use as a deco in my room. It is just this sweet yet sexy smell, very mild but it just depends on the amount you spray.


That’s all I have today! Do tell me if you guys would like more of my favourites or first impressions!


Celine Ng

Monday, 6 June 2016

to the person that hurt me the most:

If you ever hurt me, please just completely break me into pieces that can never be fixed.

Make me hate you, make me want you to not be in my circle anymore, make me so angry that I can kill you. Be someone that I would regret so much being together with so it will be easier for me to forget about you.

But this doesn’t happen even that often.

We stopped talking was what happened, we had a very bad argument was what happened, we gave up eventually was what happened.

It hurts so bad to see it sink, without being able to do anything. 

It hurt even more when I know that even if I reach out for you, you wouldn’t even hold me again. It completely destroys a human’s sanity.
It took me so long to forget about you.

You left me too many unanswered questions.


I can’t even breathe properly at places we had so much memories created.

That road you used to hold my hand over.
That store you used to always pester me to go into.
That couch we used to sit on and just joke about nothings.


It’s like a call courier that just went bankrupt because you are no longer available.

“I love you”
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you”
“I’d never want to lose you”

To

“I’m not sure anymore”
“I don’t want to do this anymore”
“My feelings has faded”

You left me hanging, in the middle of building our empire, our future.

It is so stupid of me to keep on hanging on when I know exactly that you are no longer after me.

I hope you are happier now.

I hope leaving me was the best decision you ever made.

I’m sorry I selfishly tried to hold on to a place where I don’t belong.


Celine Ng

Sunday, 1 May 2016

POLYTECHNIC LIFE : week 1

Honestly, “Polytechnic is very fun” is a propaganda.

All those that you heard about, not needing to go school, and everything is just butterflies and colours and fun. It’s not true.

Every institution has their own policy and their rules. With my school, failing exams will lead to expulsion and the lack of attendance leads to a NGP (Non-graded pass) for examinations results, which means, you do not get a grade for that module. Which is practically the reason why polytechnics still has so many people in campus. Just, why didn’t I realize.

My personal experience of poly is that, there is not much of a difference between secondary school other than my campus is so freaking far, and every lesson you have to travel to different class in different blocks in different levels in two minutes. (why is the school so huge though).

For those people that don’t know yet, I am in TP and currently in the School of IT. Not business or anything like that, but I am happy there.

So far, the only camp that I went to is the orientation camp, I would say it is pretty fair play since everyone is older, you get to do more crazy things and speak in a way where everyone is comfortable with and not like those strict rules you have back in secondary school.

I just know that it is a pain in the ass to wake up every morning to go to a morning class especially since my school is so far away.

I have no problem easing myself into the culture of poly life, and even though I have so much to complain, there are things that I genuinely enjoy a lot more. For example, you have big assignments that you handle yourself with a deadline, researching, computing and presenting are things I enjoy doing. Rather than boring homeworks, you get to choose if you want to do tutorials provided, I mean you get extra points for GPA for doing them, and you learn something before the class test, so why not?

Lecturers do not care if you are a trash, since what they do only is to teach. Pass or fail, is all in your own favor. I have always preferred to do things in my own pace so, there aint no anything about the studying system that makes me unhappy.

I have been pretty anti-social, I rarely hang out with people that are not my classmates. All I do after school is either, go home, eat lunch before going home, or find boyfriend.

 Nothing special has yet to happen, not like I tried to make it happen, well.

FUN FACT: I have been reading the bible recently, I am NOT a Christian, just curious.


Until next time.

Monday, 29 February 2016

DATING IN SECONDARY SCHOOL

Dating in Secondary School or Middle School or High School. (Depends on your area, since I have readers from other countries)

Hello, if this is your first blog post of mine, or you just stumble across this post, or your friend asked you to check out my post, my name is Celine and you can call me semi-professional love adviser.

BUT, all opinions are mine, no one ask you to listen to me, no one force you to say that I am correct, so again if you are easily butt-hurt then bye.

The change in environment and people around triggers you to change and think differently.


*
Let me share with you guys my “first ever relationship”:

How did I get into a first “relationship” which I do not consider that as one as of now, was because if peer-pressurizing. They were like “Go for it. You know you like him too, why not? Don’t waste the chance.” He was a senior in my school that year. Take note, I was only 13, I had no idea what was happening but it just happened. It is the type of “relationship” that everything was so fresh and new, holding hands was a HUGE deal, it was my hand VIRGINITY alright. It was that of a big deal. I remember that my heart was beating so fast that my face flushed. But well, it ended anyways.

Enough of grandmother’s story, time to set right back into the topic.

98% of Secondary School relationships will meet their end, even before they graduate. If you are in Secondary School and you have a relationship going on, let me just tell you, that dreamy and sweet and cute relationship is not going anywhere as far as you imagine. I say 98% because there that 1% that made it through graduation but eventually broke up after tertiary school starts, and another 1% that is a miracle.

Now girls and boys, don’t ever think that you fall inside that special 1%, if it happens it happens, but most likely it doesn’t, alright? STUDY.


If you ever dated in Secondary School, or had a crush, or fling you probably are gonna relate to what I am going to type next.

Heartbreaks, even though we are young, or practically because we are young and tender, we get hurt really easily, that’s why our generation is named after Strawberries because they grow under tender love and will literally die if they are out of their green house.

But love is a big game where you throw your heart and soul into, if you lost, you get neither back. Thinking back, I don’t even know how I got through breakups. Just know that it hurts extra more when the knife is stabbed by someone that I thought I can trust. It is inevitable, and this is how you get stronger and stronger. For someone like me who can never learn it in the soft way.

Nowadays everything is so dramatic, face book was invented to create connection, but you stupid hoes are abusing it by “trending” people. Sorry but I got to say, it is really dumb in my opinion to try and ruin someone’s life by uploading snap shots of private chats and call them a slut, hoe, bitch, cheater. I mean hold up, your relationship with other guys is none of my business, I do not need to know, and not interested to know how many people you had sex with. You need to learn the term – PM private message, is meant to be private for two person or that group itself. You be taking screenshots of those supposing “cannot be shared” chats with the whole internet just to shame their exes? You fucking low life seriously. I have serious itch to just comment on those “trends” that it is seriously none of their business in whatever they just uploaded but well, staying away from trouble. Who knows afterwards I’ll get trended by making that comment, no guilt though.

Is this why people are like getting false image about dating at teen age years?

*
Back to the topic, you might feel like the person you are dating now is the best person on earth. Sorry to be the extreme devil today to burst another bubble, but there is really no perfect relationship. I barely even see relationship pass the three months mark. I bet when I just got together with my current bf, Daniel, you people be betting if we would pass three months, to your dismay, we did. Continue guessing guys, it makes me laugh.

Perfect relationships don’t exist, because we low life humans are not perfect. You only can find a puzzle piece that fits quite enough but it will never be perfect. Think about it, a perfect relationship is really boring.

I mean, most of us are probably new to this thing called “relationship”, and we have no idea what to expect. Social Media yet again is the killer. It created too much false expectation that an actual relationship wouldn’t have.

Girl, you really cannot expect your boyfriend to surprise you so often, bring you out to expensive places, shower you with love, and all those tumblr ish things.

Boy, you cannot expect your girlfriend to be always understanding when you play games and hang out without her, expect her to surprise you as you “deserve” it too.

You can’t expect things like that to a teenager who can hardly even afford for their own lives.


*
Well, we are at this age where almost everything will get forgiven, hence we rarely admit our mistakes, but you have to know that it is a vital thing to be able to lower your ego to keep someone at bay. It is really difficult to notice this, but here I am telling you.

Another thing about dating in secondary school. You have to know that you are growing, as you grow, your mindset changes as maturity levels starts kicking in. Most people give up at this point because, “you are different”, “you are no longer the ________ I used to know.” “why did you change so much”

Now, when you fall in love, you fall in love with everything.

Their changes,

Their faces,

Their personality,

Their laughter,

Their love,

Their warm embrace.

It comes in a package that has no discounts.


Just, learn along the way. Take your time, don’t feel like you are forced into doing anything.

Goodluck.


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