Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Just one day.


If only I had just one day

I want to peacefully fall asleep intoxicated with your sweet scent
If there’s a chance in my busy schedule
I want to put my body in your warm and deep eyes
Wherever we go, my handbag is your waist
Yo ma honey, whenever I see you, I run out of breath
Your voice when you say my name
I wanna be locked in you and swim in you, I want to know you more
An explorer venturing through your deep forest of mystery
I appreciate the masterpiece that is you because your existence alone is art
I imagine this all night every day because it’s a meaningless dream anyway

I’m sorry, maybe I’m too rational

But still, if you see me some day, smile
Maybe you resent me a little or no, a lot

I know, I couldn’t look at you more because of my dream
Then just give me one day, even if it’s in my dream, just one day
Out of all those words I had to swallow because of the excuse of reality
I’ll pick one and tell it to you for sure
Let’s meet when the lilies bloom and say goodbye when they wither
I didn’t think I’d get over you easily but
Is it selfish of me to hope you are the same?
I’m still lying, saying that it’s all for you
You are standing in the center of my life.

<3


Sunday, 20 September 2015

#truths about schooling

School is important. Why? Knowledge placed aside, do you actually realize what you are gaining from school?

ALL THIS ARE BASED ON MY OPINION AND IF YOU FEEL THAT IT IS A PAIN IN THE ASS TO READ ALL THIS OR IF YOU DISAGREE IT IS NOT MY ISSUE. Save those anger for youself bye.

It is the qualities as a human. Like some:

1.      Sense of belonging.
2.      Socializing.
3.      Important teaching of life aka experiences.
4.      Self-discipline.

It keeps you sane as a human. Tell me, what are you going to do without the happenings in school?
(Well, if you are anything like me. I would probably watch anime and game for my whole fucking entire existence in life. Binge eat on chips, fries, soda and ice cream, chocolate flavored of course.) BUT NO really.

Let’s start from the very core, the truth of school. It is still building, made to force teenagers like me to attend and hopefully be some good use to the government and contribute to this shitty society. We are forced to wake up at a painful 5AM-7AM (depends on the distance) every single fucking weekday morning, grab a glass of air for breakfast and leave house. Studying in a classroom filled with morons and having to deal them for the next __ years. (Thank goodness I am already at my last lap of this hell) well, after one hell, you just switch to another fancier hell. You need to deal with deadlines and homework (sometimes completely unnecessary). Hello, I am not demotivating you just touch your heart, you know it is true.

Other than all those crappy negative sides of school, this place is going to be an educational place for all, if you learn to take advantage of it. Some lucky ass people get to keep friendships that last forever.

Now, I am going to tell you what you are actually going through.

*

Sense of belonging.

What do you mean celine? Like how you feel towards home? Country? Stop mocking me, of course I know about this.

Oh no, you DON’T human.

You feel this unknowingly, it comes in way too many forms to be able to identify it right away. You might hate school, you might really despise some people in your class, you might always be left out. But let me tell you this, you will always have this weird sense of belonging.

Recently I talked to someone whom everyone hates, and he told me “It’s weird how I still feel like I belong. I mean like you know you can’t please everyone, there are people like you(me) who are willing to try and understand the differences. People know me by all the bad things, it kind of shows I existed, you get what I mean?” You get what I mean guys? It can be negative but you can still feel like you existed and belonged. I know it is very hard, I’ve been a loner myself.

The people you hang out with, the community you are with, your class, your seat. You get it?
Think back now, think hard. It is really noting the small things in life to create rainbows. School sucks I know.

Socializing

Surprisingly, I have that in my blood so it is not that difficult for me. (Ultimate flip hair)

Because you are placed in such a way where it is possible to meet new people. The guy that seats next to you? Behind you? In front of you? Camp? School events? Competitions? They enable the possibilities of meeting new people, or to get to know a person better.


My amazing clique now, SORA (hi cal and hy if you are reading, noobs). We three actually met each other during Freshman Orientation Camp, I knew them each at different timings. Although we only got much closer after a whole bunch of crap, it shows something, you actually get to know people in school and maybe get to know the people of your friends. HA, again, another new big circle to explore.


Remember the time you were forced to do some stupid story telling/speech in front of the whole class? Good if you did, if you didn’t you missed out a whole chunk. Guts. It is different to be able to speak alone for so many people, again I myself do not have this problem because, I am hella thick skin for my own good sometimes. Public speaking is pretty important in certain job scopes and the school actually gave you some “private tuition” before you go face your future boss.

Be thankful. Morons.


Experiences

I know there are days where you really do not wish to go to this certain school event because it is

USELESS
WASTE OF TIME
FORCED TO DO
WHY MUST GO

Erm, yeah, it is pretty useless but at least you get to have a snip of that in your afterlife that you have attended that boring talk. Who knows you might need that “talk” for you to be able to sign on to be a manager of some big business.

Say yes to experiences and memories.


They say you will miss school. HELL YEAH, I would miss a place where mistakes can always be corrected and reprimanded and end.

Just, shhh, let me tell you, the outside world isn’t butterflies and unicorn. Mistakes can lead to bad consequences which you won’t ever want to experience, just #word.

For example, sports day. I really suck at all types of sports so I always find excuses to not attend since I am just going to be sitting under the hot sun getting burnt. Last year, I spontaneously decided to go since I woke up really early. I saw the most idiotic things happening there and it was actually quite enjoyable and not as bad as I thought. >:D

Join a club, Join a CCA. It is another way you get to know seniors from your own school and also a way to meet hot guys (just saying girls, just saying). You will learn something out of it definitely, Cel don’t lie.

Experience with people as well. Someone is going to lie to you, someone is going to cheat on you, and someone is going to backstab you, lose friendships, creating disputes. That happens to everyone, it teaches to you stay away from unnecessary bullshits. You will get more used to it someday, trust me, this is really important in life. We face a lot of problems but it is you who decide to continue to be a moron. Idiocy is really by choice.

Learn humans, learn.


Self-discipline


I really got this trait from school, punctuality. I have huge refusal of me being late. I plan ahead to make sure I am not late for something. Therefore it has been something I try to hold up, and stand firm.


Guys, just one thing I gotta say, be punctual really, it is a turn on for many people because nowadays there is rarely someone on time for something, which pisses me off really badly and ok that is not the point.

Deadlines. It makes you plan your time really wisely and allow you to suck up and mug for something next time. For huge projects in university and stuff. Dude, deadlines are fucking cruel, it is literally a date that determines your future life. Taking time closely is quite important. (call me a time-freak as much as you want).

You will plan for your exams and learn prioritizing, is eating the chocolate cake more important than reading your textbook? Of course, eat while you read….  :D

Time guys, eat the clock or something.

*

So, I hope you will feel better going to school from now on. At least you are learning how to be more humane in one sense.

Love you little humans who always read till the end.

taken today <3 trying to be cute but failing completely 



<3

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

My Insecurities


Insecurities. My insecurities. As a typical Leo, I should have never be able to make this post, especially when it is about my OWN insecurities but who knows some of you out there might be able to relate to this. It is very hard for me to actually put this out there.

I always come up to be a very confident and secured person but in actual fact, I am far from being that. That image is self-built. Yes, I am confident and I am not afraid to be myself, but as a fellow human being like you I have my self-doubts and problems.

I try to only resonate happiness in this platform but sometimes it really isn’t all those rainbows and butterflies in a unicorn island situation. My roller coaster needs maintenance sometimes too. I hide in my cave more than you think I do, I am not very outgoing at times where I need comfort but because I am very stubborn and have huge refusal to bother others into my own problems I choose to face them myself. And again, most of the time, I just screw everything up and the problem always end either with me wounded with scars or a hero came to rescue, but I am not always that lucky.

The fact that I have always lived a comfortable life, gave me a huge disability to understand people I want to know about the most because we are all living in this plastic beautiful world, I still have to (again) hide everything.


Reminder: No one will emphasize you, you do not need sympathy.

Whatever I chose to do, will eventually result in the worse decision ever made. This is why I leave job decisions to others and choose to do the back work instead, just in case I screw up. Times on where I cannot rely on others, I lose myself, because I am a weakling that cannot be bossed around, yet can’t be the leader.


So, my first insecurity: The fear of making things worst, screwing up.


I look very different without make up just a side note. I don’t think I look ugly but there is a huge difference when it comes to before and after.


As much as people say,

“You look fine. Why do you think so much?”

“Your body is slim. Why don’t you eat?”

“You look good no matter what you wear!”

All sounds like hypocritical words to me because I think I don’t. The key word here is “THINK”.


The mind is the main controller for your thoughts and dude, you can’t decide what you want to think at that moment. I can’t deny that negative thoughts surface more than positive ones. I doubt every single compliment that was given to me and only really accept those that I think I deserve.

To wear whatever the hell I want? To wear whatever lipstick I want? Is this really the truth?

The fact that behind the scenes, the number of outfits that I put together before I actually choose one is horrendous. If for every outfit I ever thought about wearing but gave up because it was too “over” (in my opinion) I get a dollar, I would have been a millionaire since 2 years ago.

I am so fucking self-conscious till the point I feel so guilty because I need a mirror wherever I go, check my hair, my lipstick, my eyeliner, guys, its tiring.

BUT, YET, AGAIN, I cannot help it.


When people stare or even just take one look, I would have extreme anxiety. I mean like I am fabulous I know but don’t stare………… XD


My second insecurity: The way I dress, the way I look.



The fact that knowing I am such a failure in studies make me feel sad sometimes. It’s kind of hard to realize everyone around is doing a good job but you are not. I have nothing to flaunt, especially this area.

When people presume I have good results and make fun of me for saying I am very bad at certain subjects makes me feel even worse about myself. It just shows that people already has this certain expectation or view of me that cannot and won’t change. I hesitate a lot when it comes to problems like this. Because I have so much issues regarding this I cannot even prompt myself to answer to those people, “hey actually I got a fail grade for everything”.

Tension built was so restricting because I was literally writing this is giving me anxiety, not joking.

Living up to expectation, my own expectations, other’s expectations and family’s expectation. It depends on how your parents bring u up to let you have each and every a different mindset. Mine taught me to be better, better than the others, better than my siblings, just be as good as I can. Maybe that is where all the pressure is coming from, maybe that isn’t what my parents intended but in my head, that is how it is resonating.

Because of expectations, I became a coward towards things. I get delusional about the things that I can and cannot achieve.

I ever mentioned, goals and expectations are a whole two different thing. You can set however high your goals to be but expectations? Leave that alone. Work hard towards your goal and expect nothing in return will be the best policy you can ever have. It is really easy to say but so difficult to achieve because I realized it a little too late for my own good. So, for those people who hasn’t settle down a straight mindset, consume those wise words and you will get hurt less.

I dislike being a failure so, I would do anything to avoid it, and when I can’t... Things get foggy again.

My third insecurity: not being able to meet expectations.


It has always been me, and myself. How am I supposed face these problems myself?

I have been pretty good at hiding it, isn’t it?

The list can just go on and on and on but I am trying not to get affected.

Let’s be positive unicorns in this sunny island. <3

(PS its pretty wordy IK) 



With loves,

cel

Thursday, 3 September 2015

❤ Admiration + Light Novel(???) ❤


Most of the time act of stupidity means the lack ability to admire.

No interest in anything, and naturally there won’t be the admiration.

Admiration is knowledge, admiration is understanding, admiring is a visually amazing thing.

Admiring others is a type of respect, being admired is a type of reassurance. No one will think admiration as a misfortune. If an action, a smile, a trick, a laugh can enable someone to feel admired, I doubt it is something abnormal for all. Human in heart as least.

Everything happens naturally, just like how the birds will sing and the flowers will wither. Just look around and you will see the real fantasy scenes, everything has a push button, admiration is no exception. Admiration is a type of assistance, a type of “hospital”, it is the art of warmth and expression.


*
If you admire the height of the mountains, you will find strength and persistence within.

If you admire the rushing river, you will find purity and sanity within.

If you admire the tree, you will find dignity and freedom within.

If you admire the grass along the road sides, you will find hope within.
*


Admiring something has a very vast difference compared to being curious, you need sincere eyes and wisdom. Admiring something needs a big heart and a sensitive heart, and of course to be dauntless.
Admiration is the steps of life, it makes life more interesting. Everyone looks at things differently, at different angles. Smart people take someone away after they admire, retarded people can only see the bad side of things.

To a very precious art piece, the person who can destroy it easily isn’t the creator, it is the people who do not try to understand. A person with shallow mind cannot portray big things, they do not show signs of admiration.

Admiration is another level, another dimension, another source of inspiration.

What do you aspire to become?


** 
I have some exciting news which is… I will be typing my very own light novel on this blog starting from November 6th. I worked really hard for this short light novel, so I hope you guys will like it. I am not a professional, I am just doing what I feel like it’s fun. <3



Remember, aspire to become, admire to get inspired.