Monday, 19 September 2016

death of the sinner ; rebirth of the kind

There was once in my life I convinced myself to be a certain type of person and live a certain type of way in order not to be a disappointment. Those things, obviously does not go against my morals and beliefs but it slowly suffocated me. It’s literally like someone pressing on to your neck, taking away the only source of oxygen you have from this world.

I lived to please people, to hope people view me in a certain way, to give hope to people that this world is not as bad as they thought when in the actual fact, I’m the one deceiving myself all these while.

Maybe because I am no longer what I am 2 years ago, I couldn’t help myself to continue this blog. I did up a few drafts like a said months and months ago to be posted up here but I didn’t. I left like the contents no longer stand truthful to myself. This place is where I share all my thoughts and doubts to help many people who find comfort in knowing that they are not alone. Reading back all my blogs, I’m nothing but a hypocrite. I don’t hold up to the words I used to preach about.

Many things have happened since then, I dyed my hair, I am in a different school, I hang out with different people, I changed a boyfriend since. All these things might be insignificant to you but you can’t deny that IT IS a change in my life, somewhat, and those are just the physical aspects. Emotionally I grew. You can’t expect someone to stay the same and say the same things as they did a few years back.

I have been through quite a bit, and it gave me a growth sprint as I would like to call it, where you mature quickly and have a complete different outlook in life. The way you think and speak changes because something or someone had a bad impact on you.

People who don’t see the big picture just go ahead and say things like “you’ve changed a lot, the old you is better” “you don’t seem like yourself anymore, are you okay?” and so on and forth.

Listen, the old me, the old celine, is dead.

Those that confront and said how the old me was better, why don’t you blame yourself to treasure me when I was still “the old me”? What do you think happened that made me change? Why are you so selfish to not let me develop into someone that I feel fits in more?
We are all selfish and selfless, no, we are all selfish because we are selfless. All we can think about is ourselves.

I am not a negative person, really. I am just no longer angry about things that are not worth my disparity.

I still love what I love. Fashion, games, inspiring things.

But now, all the things I say will be more on the realistic side, because the world of lies is just too tempting. Remember the story of how an apple completely demoralized human kind? It was tempt and selfishness. Eve & Adam. Maybe if you think harder like I did, this world hasn’t changed ever since. Painted with sins and sorrows.

Because you and I are all descendants of sinners.

And I am just staying sane in this flamed up world.

Celine Ng

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